Hollywood’s Reawakening

  |  
Apr 8, 2021
co-written with Phil Morton

I celebrated the re-opening of movie theaters last week by going to the AMC Lincoln Square 13 to see Nobody with Bob Odenkirk.

I loved the movie but was appalled by the coming attractions, a bizarre combination of “woke” superhero movies and strange biopics.  I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.  Rather than write something new about this horrible experience, I pulled this piece from the archives I wrote with Phil Morton in 2013.  It holds up quite well. 

HOLLYWOOD’S REAWAKENING

Hollywood’s endless revisiting of cherished figures from our past has always been a successful entertainment ploy. And none more so than the current obsession of making every character in a movie a dangerous, sexy twenty-something; regardless of the lack of common sense, gender or historical decency that would require.

The proven successful box office rides from these bizarre reiterations is no doubt fuel for the fire. So we get to delight in Kristen Stewart as sexy Snow White, Amanda Seyfried as sexy Little Red Riding Hood, even little Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters have now become grown up S&M leather clad sex twins ready for their fairy tale hook up with a world-wide box office gross of more than $220 million.

And if sex doesn’t sell, violence will! Even Disney’s Chip and Dale, the lovable scamps of our youth have been turned into private detectives. So with that in mind, we are shooting ahead of the curve to set up our next project at the studios and currently pitching these bullet proof undeniable movie franchise ideas:

Jackie Chan is: Henry Kissinger Ninja Warrior. Lovable but deadly Jackie Chan plays President Nixon’s political architect and conscience as he’s attacked by beautiful female Chinese assassins on the eve of his historic visit with Mao Tse Tung. Nixon is played by Lucy Liu in full body leather with a brilliant prosthetic nose. Chan will bring a delightful German accent to his already accented English — making the English language finally work for him for the first time which we think is a win.

Eddie Murphy stars in: Golda Meir — Mud Wrestler. Gold Meir, the Fourth Prime Minister of Israel is brought to life with the comedy imaginings of Eddie Murphy as he tangles with Minister of Defense Moshe Dayan played by Mila Kunis. Hilarity ensues on the eve of the Yom Kippur war when the only way to fund the military and save Israel is to win the national mud wrestling competition first.

Seth Rogen stars in: The LeBron James Story. Comedy genius Seth Rogen widens his artistic pallet as he brings to life the cunning athletic expertise of one of the NBA’s all time greats. Zoe Saldana plays Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra, while Natalie Portman plays the Olympic coach Mike Krzyzewski with plenty of locker room scenes where the players get soaped up and shower together.

Jackie Mason is: General Charles de Gaulle. Using strict text guidelines of de Gaulle’s actual speeches, Mason brings his gift for drama to new heights when the French leader is unexpectedly required to be the visiting professor for an all-girl French grad school. Complicated romantic twists and hilarious sexy hi-jinks ensue. Also starring Hayden Panettiere, Jennifer Lawrence and Megan Fox as French literature students in love with their charming professor and every other older man they meet.

The LBJ Story: starring Jonah Hill. Who better to interpret the complex psychological landscape of our 36th President, than wildly versatile Jonah Hill? Thrust to the top of world power by his dynamic ambition and the cruel hand of fate, Jonah Hill leads the free world with Jessica Alba, Blake Lively and Scarlet Johansson as his naughty, beautiful — and of course — brilliant cabinet members. Emily Blunt plays J. Edgar Hoover who is secretly in love with the President and fakes a gay relationship to avoid suspicion.

The Life of Mahatma Gandhi: starring Channing Tatum. The young superstar delivers an emotionally heartbreaking turn as the spiritual avatar and things get hotter than an Indian summer when he reveals his six pack abs and stripper physique after spinning his own clothes and cobbling cardboard sandals in order to live a simpler life. Sofia Vergara stars as the British General intent on bringing down Gandhi — until she falls in love with him.

See you at the movies!