Fear & Loving on the Football Field
Rob Taub
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by Rob Taub
My nephew Gandalf is an idiot, but he loves football, so my tailors Rabinowitz, Wang and Patel invited him and a disparate group of fans to their Jets-Giants pre-season football party.
Below is a partial transcript of their discussion.
Gandalf: Is it better to be loved or feared?
Rabinowitz: Dick Butkus was feared. So was Jack Tatum. They hit you so hard even your distant relatives got hurt.
Wang: I’m terrified of Saquon Barkley. One of his legs is bigger than my entire body. He can run over people. Barkley is going to bring greatness back to the Giants.
Patel: I could make a beautiful suit for him. I made three for his Uncle Iran, who was quite a fighter in his day. Middleweight champion and boy could he hit hard. Too bad you can’t punch in football.
Gandalf: Bunch of weird old white dudes.
Patel: I am brown.
Rabinowitz: I’m yellow from my jaundice. Also my skin is crepey or so I’m told.
Wang: My father is from China and my mother is from Egypt. And this kid is named after some cartoon character desperately in need of a haberdasher. What’s with all the robes?
Gandalf: There’s a dude in front of Carnegie Hall who wears robes and a tin foil hat. He says Phil Simms and Boomer Esiason are the same person.
Rabinowitz: Sam Darnold is going to be better than the two of them put together. With a name like Sam what’s not to love? Who in the hell names their kid “Apricot” or “Salad” or “Queequeg” for God’s sake? I never heard of such a thing.
Wang: My name is Irving. And my wife’s name is Cleopatra.
Rabinowitz: I could care less about kneeling. How long and accurate can they throw is all I want to know. The fans love Sam Darnold because he is the here, now and future of the Jets franchise. I’d dress him in Loro Piana.
Wang: Goodbye Tom Brady. Go eat a cheeseburger in your overpriced Tom Ford suit. I wouldn’t wear anything that’s sold off the rack other than a tie.
Patel: Charles Barkley never kneeled. I once made him a gorgeous summer cashmere blazer. I kneel every day on my prayer rug.
Wang: Barkley played basketball and spit on a fan in 1991. The president — whoever it was then — never said anything. Now he does McDonald’s commercials.
Gandalf: Trump does McDonald’s commercials?
Rabinowitz: He eats McDonald’s. Barkley does the commercials. As for his clothes, Trump looks to be a portly at the very least.
Wang: If the Jets win seven games this season, I’ll be happy.
Rabinowitz: They can lie in the fetal position during the national anthem for all I care, just so they beat the Patriots in one stinking game.
Patel: Todd Bowles is a stoic. I respect him.
Gandalf: I love you dudes.
Me: Pour the bourbon already.
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